Saturday, December 19, 2009

Open Wide America!


Tis the season to be. . . oh, the hell with it!  A wise old solon once said that there are two things one never wants to watch too closely, sausage making and legislating.  Frankly, I prefer the former, as no matter how disgusting it may appear, there are two truths about sausage:  it tastes pretty good after all the messy business is finished, and it is against the law to fill it with bullshit.

So here we are on the verge of "major" health care reform, right?  Well let's see. When polled last week, more than sixty percent of Americans still preferred a Medicare-like, single payer system.  Sorry folks, but that one died when the insurance lobbyists and healthcare industry cranked up their lobbying campaigns and pumped more than $400,000,000 into the effort to kill it.  Even though more than forty Democratic senators are truly progressive and don't give a damn about insurance, and thus, Wall Street profits, there are those "corporate" Democrats, who were willing to sell out the people to keep the campaign coffers fat for the upcoming electoral season. I would condemn the Republicans here too, but they, long ago, sold their souls to big business and take all their marching orders from board rooms, rather than from their constituents.  Remember how Sarah Palin took a dump on her state, let alone on her oath of office to chase the bucks?  Need I say more about that crowd?

But. . . , say the moderates among us, "we know this bill is not everything we wanted, and there are real reforms in it so we should hold our noses and sign it into law anyway."  Really? Then why are the insurance companies celebrating what is left of this bill? Easy, they have achieved record profits and record stock performances in this recession?  They were willing to trade two Oliver Twist-like crumbs (a promise to keep people insured when they get sick and a promise to sign people up for insurance, even if they have pre-existing conditions) for thirty to forty million new, low-risk customers.  You see, this great bill requires all Americans to buy insurance, if they are currently uninsured.  And who are these uncovered folks?  Young people and the working poor who cannot now afford the premiums.  Guess what, with no immediate controls on the insurance companies to lower their prices, these lucky millions will be forced to buy in with an astronomical deductable and minimal coverage!  Thus, those monumental windfall profits will be all the more enriching, because the vast majority of the about-to-be-insured are in their twenties and thirties, you know, the group least likely to be using their insurance, so it will be money in the bank!

But wait, Tiny Tim, there is more!  You and I will be paying a subsidy to those same insurance companies to cover the premiums for the working poor, who cannot afford even the crappiest coverage.  By the way, there is nothing in the bill to bring down premiums or medical costs, now that there is no competitive public plan available. Ummm, doesn't that smokey flavor make this bovine fecal sandwich taste good?

My advice to all of you, right after this bill passes and all the back-slapping and photo ops are concluded at the White House. . .  call your stock brokers and buy as much insurance company stock as you can afford. You will then make enough money to move to a really cool country with real universal health care for everyone.  Oops I forgot, most of you lost your jobs and are hoping that your thousand dollar per month COBRA payment assistance plan will be extended by our caring members of Congress.  OK, so borrow some money against your home equity. . . yeah, I know, that was a pretty stupid suggestion too, since the value of your home is now less than half the value of your ever-expanding adjustable rate mortgage payments.  I would suggest you go to your bank for a personal loan, but they are way too busy trying to foreclose on your home now that you and I kept them in business with all that TARP money (TARP= Tax-payer Assistance for Record Profits).

So, as you and yours huddle around the Yule Log in some homeless camp under a freeway overpass this Christmas, maybe your spirits will be bolstered by President Obama's rhetorically perfect upcoming address about real and meaningful helathcare reform for all Americans.  But as you unwrap your Thrift Shop presents and sit down at the local Salvation Army kitchen for a scrumptious Holiday meal, take comfort in knowing that in the last election President Obama took more money from Wall Street and the Insurance companies than any other candidate in history.  One thing you have to admire him for though, he really does take care of his friends.

Feliz Navidad my fellow Americans!

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